Chapter one God doesn't have gender because God has all the greatness of both female and male God likes music, because music is the universal language that across beyond the border of race, religion, ethnicity, beliefs, ideology, etc. And music unites human with fun, enjoyment, and able to touch every human soul. God is rave, full of excitement and energy of euphoria feelings. God is like the twilight before sunrise. Recognize its presence like a weak sunlight, but feels strong, deep, personal and humble to the human who gaze it. God is dawn. God have a heart shaped box with one lock for each human where they can feel the love without being judge, where acceptance is always around and companion can be found. God love being loved. God taste like kiwi, soft, fresh, sweet and sour, gives the tingling taste to the tongue, and watery touch inside throat. God is narcissistic. Love being adored, generates huge amount of self image obsession therefore never grew bored of one self. God avoids mask. Stands out freely and willingly appears, challenge others to come clean apart from their guilts and their facade. If God is an artist, then God would be a Surreal artist, discover a new perspective of meaning, through symbolic interpretations with no boundaries of codes or certain definitions. God loves Dali and Kahlo.
Over you today Viewed you from the top yesterday Somewhere between you and me Two lonely souls substitute each other
And everything turn upside down No rewind button to be found
Something unexplained left behind No cure in pain of being stranger Embracing goodbyes with no more hellos Getting lost between reality and dreams I can't hold the sun if the moon is come Regrets and rethink alternatives ending Merciful chance never take place twice
So I accept unhappy endings Left me die with my heart stopper My monster love
One glance opens an admiration towards one stranger in ones life / Sweet chemistry pulsating beneath the skin that tingles with warm sensation / Peculiar feelings starts to ride along / Pushed the unusual current in the tubes of blood circulation system / Happiness runs by minutes / Made blurry memories with highlighted colorful dots / Like watching the body parts evidence in autopsy room / With less blood red color and more joyful perspectives / Then blackness comes / As happiness morphing into misery / Sweats went dry, lunchtime decent conversation in a room of denials / All reversed phases runs by seconds brought a bitter reality / There, a girl sat down with question marks popping inside her brain ...................................Unanswered............................................................................ There, she tried to forget what consumed her thoughts / Get another song to sing and another chapter of life to learn / To find the beauty in misery
 | Clueless | Jul 31, '08 10:21 AM
for everyone |
Sudah lama tidak menulis lagi. Kali ini setelah beberapa bulan lewat, akhirnya di pertengahan 2008 saya mulai menulis lagi. Aneh rasanya.
Bingung menuliskan apa, karena jiwa sedang dalam kondisi sehat. Biasanya jika sedang miring lebih banyak kata-kata tanpa makna yang menjadi rangkaian alfabet yang bermakna disini.
Clueless karena saat ini sibuk memaknai detik demi detik yang baru saja dilalui. Justru hal itu tidak membuat saya tergerak untuk menuliskan sesuatu tanpa makna yang menjadi kaya makna seperti sebelumnya.
Ironis. Ternyata jika saya sedang tidak miring tidak ada kesakitan serta kerinduan yang bermakna dalam tulisan saya.
Hasilnya? Yah seperti ini, kata-kata terlahirkan tanpa maksud serta arah yang jelas hanya untuk memancing saya memberikan sesuatu yang bermakna.
Mungkin seperti inilah manusia sakit yang lebih produktif jika dalam keadaan miring. Normal? Terasa hambar dan menjemukan. Kerinduan akan penderitaan, obsesi, kesunyian tidak terdapat dalam benak saya malam ini.
Saya menjadi robot yang digerakkan oleh pikiran yang sehat, di dalamnya mengalir arus positif, sedangkan saya merindukan arus negatif untuk membangkitkan keinginan impulsif.
Pikiran yang jernih? Lebih baik lagi jika pikiran kusut karena sesuatu yang kusut membuat dahi saya berkerut, muka menjadi carut marut, sehingga rangkaian kata-kata yang terbaca lebih membuat kalang kabut.
Clueless. Mungkin sudah lama memanjakan diri dengan pikiran yang miring, lalu ketika menyadari bahwa kehidupan berjalan biasa tanpa drama membuat saya hilang asa.
Memang dalam kesakitan dan kemiringan terdapat jiwa yang kuat. Saya kangen kamu, miringku...
9:21 pm 31/07/08
jelajahi rimba kode bertegur sapa abjad angka merangkai makna lahirkan ilusi menjadi obat pelipur lara menghadang pahit yang nyata
beli sekantung rasa suka dapat bonus anti duka bayar tanpa rasa malu tuk habiskan uang tabu angguk kepala tiada ragu
menghirup asap komoditi terbuai kemasan warna-warni setetes kilaunya hilangkan penat megah di mata cabuli nurani jika terbiasa rasa dosa pun sirna
tak ingin jadi cinderamata seperti terbungkus dunia wangi aromanya akan binasa lenyap terurai oleh masa
There are three things that unites at this moment, as I'm writing this words. Space, melodies, ambiance. I can feel there's space between me and my body, at the same time I can hear the melodies from the back of my mind playing automatically, adjusting the ambiance that surrounds me. So here it goes, my hand goes uncontrollable typing this words, creating sentence that I never think before as if they have their own soul apart from what's mine. I'm making sketches in the form of alphabets side by side like strangers sitting in the bus. Describing every inch of my mind, scattered, unfocused, emerges suddenly, pushing through my pores, and rushes me to make this writing. Space. I became an alien to my own body. Weird senses comes to my mind as I gaze my own existence. Pinch. Hurts. Why am I have to stuck in this flesh? Melodies. Rethink and redefine my experience in life. Regrets, anxiety, relieve, craving, wondering, try to rethink another ending. Simultaneously as I playback those moments, these melodies exploding and flowing from the start till finish. Slowly disappeared but never meant to be gone. Ambiance. I can't escape the feeling wrapped in this ambiance surrounds me. It's the blanket of my life. So I'm just grateful, and cherish every minute as my body and soul reacted to this unusual ambiance. When will they unleashed me? Can I be free? Or deep inside I don't want to be free... Im the prisoner of my own asylum.
To the beautiful Sunday afternoon, when everything is seems to be absurd.
Teringat kata-kata dalam sebuah film yang sangat menarik bagi saya. Kira-kira seperti ini bunyinya : "Sometimes being in the fucked up situation, could be the great experience in our life" Betul. Saya setuju dengan kalimat itu. Jadi saya bisa tertawa konyol ketika menoleh kebelakang dan mengingat kepahitan yang pernah terjadi. Tertawa. Sebuah ironi dari kesedihan. Sad but true.
| Stagnan | Mar 28, '08 10:26 AM
for everyone |
Ketika esok hari sudah terbaca Ketika masa melintas tanpa terasa Ketika semua menjadi biasa Ketika asa tak lagi ada
Semua serba berurutan
Rapi jali berdampingan Seperti rangkaian alfabet A hingga Z
Stagnan Betapa menjemukan
duduk memandang dalam hati berkumandang siapa gerangan menunggu untuk ditemukan
senja melecut jingga menari gemulai di ujung mata duhai tuan pembawa berita kapankah kan tiba
kaki telanjang perih menapak kulit terhembus nafas yang lelah rambut terurai pecah meranggas jari tak lagi bisa merapat
jikalau masa berbuah lara bawalah dia untuk berjumpa meski hanya sekejap mata beri ku makna tuk menanti
Where are you? O the pills to my pain Where are you? O the lullaby for my darkest night Where are you? O the shield before the dawn Let me walk with you Feel the warmth of hope from your lips Shouting and gasping your name Follow the rhythm that you lead Let me lay with you Swallow you inside my heart Keep you there as my Ace card
| masokis | Mar 13, '08 1:38 PM
for everyone |
sekiranya seringai kala didera sekiranya bersulang dihantam lara sekilas sungging dipinggir bibir selepas tuan puas mencibir
silahkan bergunjing tai anjing memerah kuping ringan dijinjing silahkan menampar hingga memar merangsang hangat dada berdebar
rasa tercekat membawa tawa mulut mengunci mata berbinar jika dibalut dalam derita bagai mendengar kabar gembira
aku si masokis menyanjung tudingan sinis aku si masokis menopang hasrat bengis
Ambil secuil waktu Dikulum dalam ingatan Jantung berdetak dikayuh waktu Hasrat terputus karena khayalan
Berandai-andai dalam hati Berulang-ulang cambuki diri Rasa merindu kembali pasang Namun jarak tak juga surut
Seribu, seratus, sepuluh Bergolak gemuruh deras mengeruh Mengamuk gelisah meregang asa Terpuruk menyudut di luar kuasa
U go girl! U go blog!
Apa? Ngatain saya goblog? Oh maksudnya menyemangati untuk ngisi blog? Maklum, jika pikiran sedang tidak waras seringkali yang terdengar di kuping jadi salah arti.
Wah, aneh sekali ya? Kenapa saya memulai mengisi blog ini dengan menyemangati blog saya sendiri, lalu mengira diri saya mengatai 'Goblog' ke diri saya sendiri. Sungguh absurd. Kalau dipikir-pikir, ini bukannya absurd, tapi memang goblog. Sunguh malang nasib saya malam ini. Menjadi goblog di malan hari bukanlah hal yang menyenangkan tentunya. Malam hari adalah saatnya mencuri waktu untuk melupakan hal-hal menentu yang mendera seharian dan melarikan diri dari hal-hal yang tidak menentu sepanjang hidup. Dan menjadi 'goblog' adalah salah satu hal yang tidak menentu dalam hidup. Kadang-kadang goblog, seringkali bego, dan untuk sesaat tobat. Tapi saya bersyukur masih bisa merasakan goblog. Paling tidak saya menyadari kalau saya bukan jagoan, pahlawan. Nah malam hari buat saya saat saya membiarkan diri saya menjadi goblog, tapi produktif. Nggak berarti kan menjadi goblog tidak bisa produktif. Seringkali yang saya rasakan saat sedang goblog adalah memikirkan ide-ide goblog, fantasi goblog, memori-memori goblog, orang-orang goblog (tentunya siapa mereka tidak akan saya sebutkan disini, masih belum goblog untuk yang ini) dan masih banyak goblog lainnya yang menghibur dan membuat saya berpikir. Dari rasa menjadi goblog inilah, biasanya saya mengamati dan melihat kembali apa saja sih yang disebut pintar, cerdik, brillian, genius dan sebangsanya itu. Nah kalau dilihat dari tulisan ini, saya cukup terlihat goblog ya malam ini? Goblog atau goblok sih?
Gedung baru karpet baru kursi baru meja baru
Udara dingin menusuk tulang Meja licin belum belang-belang Laci kosong banyak ruang Kursi empuk nyaman lapang
Tinggi-tinggi tampak pemandangan kota Jakarta Cantik rupawan tampak para karyawan berdandan
Suasana pembaruan Ini dia jadi tantangan Suasana pembaruan Ini dia jadi halangan
Siapa sangka yang baru bikin beku Siapa kira yang baru bikin bisu Siapa duga yang baru malah bau
silent when my mind keep talking
silent when my heart is preaching
silent when my body is trembling
silent when my eyes is starring
silent when my mouth is screaming
silent when my throat is stretching
SILENT.
silent when my hands are waving
silent when my feet are soaring
silent when the knife is stabbing
silent when the blood is rushing
silent when the bone is clicking
silent when the head is spinning
silent when the skin is tearing
SILENT!
silent while everybody laughing
silent while everybody jumping
silent while everybody kicking
silent while everybody pointing
silent while everybody slapping
silent while everybody jerking
silent while everybody running.
SILENT PLEASE!!
March, 21/2006
| My Honey | Feb 18, '08 10:59 AM
for everyone |
tetesan air bening bulat di kala senja
hembusan angin di kala penat
putaran lagu merdu di kala rindu
segaris sungging di kala kelu
seusap jemari di kala pagi
secuil mulut di kala nafsu
segelas penuh di kala ragu
seikat tekad di kala malu
sepeluk hangat di kala pergi
seperti madu dalam tanganku
March, 21/2006
| Craving | Feb 18, '08 10:54 AM
for everyone |
Soft kisses, playing tongue, lover’s glance.
These are the pleasures of a human.
Touching fingertips with inconsistent motions.
Listening to every soft spoken word from him
As I watch the beautiful movement of every inch of his mouth.
All I hear is his voice. All I see is his presence
Slowly he is taking me over. Molding myself inside him.
Feels like that. Feels like this. Feel like whatever I like to feel…
Illusions, imaginations, inspirations slowly faded.
It’s nothing like illusions, imaginations or inspirations.
It’s nothing compare to them all.
It’s the ultimate reality that seems so unreal.
It’s not something you see.
It’s something you feel.
It is a mixture of pleasure and pain
It is exist. It is there. It is beating. It is not a single thing.
Complexity of codes, values, sensations.
Construct the distant, separate two souls, ordained to be apart.
Friday 09/05/07 2.33 am
the archer
half human half horse
partially damaged inside
partially adored outside
more human than human
with animal instinct
the encounter with stranger
a moment of debauchery
only lies in the mind of self
i may be human
but
i choose horses
August, 27/2007
Erased from my brain slow.
Taste like painkiller.
That's why I always need more.
What I feel is what I see
What I hear is what I sense
That is only happen for what I am currently typing right now.
Escape from the past
Escape from the memories
for you can never know the real me.
for you can never reveal the real me.
for you can never get through the real me.
The harm of heart will eventually melts you down.
The harm of eyes will eventually force you down.
The harm of love will eventually wears you out.
The harm of urge will eventually tears you out.
There I no longer alone
There I no longer scared
There I no longer live
There I held your hands
There I drowned you hard
There I spitted you sweet
So give me a slice of your wrist
So give me a slice of your thought
So give me a slice of your pride
And I give you my soul
the only thing I never knew existed.
August, 30/2007
One scoop of my brain
Two chops of my heart
Spicy limb add with a bit of my lungs
A glass of red bloody wine
If that’s sounds weird to you, then don’t ask me why.
It’s up to you to judge the way I am
One thing that I miss the most is the original me.
Maybe I have to taste myself so I can get to know me better.
The taste of self
It may sounds narcistic
It may sounds sadistic
It may sounds romantic
Who am I to judge the way I am
while I'm blinded by myself
while I'm tortured by my fantasy
while I'm chocked by my own reality
Side dish?
Paralyzed by my own thoughts
Patronized by my own ego
Pissed by my own feelings
For the flesh taste so strange
For the heart taste so cold
For the mind taste so stoned
Adore my own ambiguity
Adore my own sickness
Adore my own apathy
Adore my own absurdity
Adore my own promiscuity
Adore my own craziness
A long journey to conquer the self
A great expectation to find the origin of self
For me who don't know me
For me who always be me
For me who always trying to be
For me who don't believe me
Set me free
Waves me goodbye
Embrace me slow
Blow me kiss
Screw me out
Then you know the reason why
Then you find the answer why
Then you learn the lesson why
I doubt, I think therefore I am.
August, 30/2007
| |
